If I do something for 3 weeks, does it make me an expert?

**warning-this post contains discussions of boobs, breastfeeding, and other topics some may find sensitive**




Because Gisele is a breastfeeding expert after only 3 weeks. It's amazing! This is from the woman who didn't need maternity clothes, thought labor was painless, and potty trained her six month old, so you know her ideas should be put right into practice.

According to this article in the Boston Herald,formula is bad and all women should have to breastfeed their children for at least six months.

Now, she nursed her baby for a whole three weeks, but had to stop because the paparazzi may have photographed her nursing while she sat in Starbucks. Guess what fucktard? I nursed my baby for 16 months (yes, 16 months, and if she's the authority after three weeks, then I'm the supreme titty emperor of the whole topic) and I know enough that it's not for everyone, and that it's not always physically possible for everyone to do, and it's a very personal decision. It's 'natural', but it's not always easy, and it's not always pleasant, and it's an ENORMOUS committment on top of the committment of being a parent.

On the subject of breastfeeding. It was a huge personal accomplishment for me to have been able to do that for my daughter. What has it gotten her? I'm not really sure. I could argue that she's never had a fever or an ear infection or anything more serious than a cold. She's also the size of a truck and strong as an ox. These could just be lucky or genetic traits. She can't tell me, and there's no scientfic way to determine what she has (or has not gained) from having breastmilk. She has not yet thanked me personally, so I'm going to have to 'borrow' from her college fund to finance my much needed breast lift and augmentation. (Okay, not for the squeamish here) I went from being a 34C pre-pregnancy to a 38E-yes, an E, during my early nursing days. Now I am a very saggy, National Geographic worthy 32C. WTF!? I'm sure Gisele's boobs went right back to supermodel perfection afterwards. Now, I'm sure you're saying, "Oh, but isn't it lovely to sacrifice your body for your child?" and maybe it sounds selfish, but the physical toll of pregnancy and nursing can be pretty daunting. Especially to those of us who don't have trainers and airbrushing in our family pictures. Here are some other hilarious 'side effects' that may result from breastfeeding:
-Having a 'letdown' whenever you hear a tiny baby cry, this can happen with tv babies and babies that are out in public. Results in leaking and general embarrassment.
-You can't go too far without a breast pump. This is the human version of what they use on cows. Oh, and did I mention that Haley couldn't nurse fast enough after 3 months and I had to pump all her milk into hippie dippy glass bottles. Yep, that gets me extra jewels in the crown I will be wearing as supreme titty emperor. I have pumped everywhere, including several moving vehicles.
-Want a drink? Eh, not so fast. Can't have your baby getting all wasted.
-Like showing people your boobs? Poor Haley spent so much time looking at my chest that now she thinks it's perfectly acceptable to yank down my shirt in public, motorboat me, and grope me whenever she feels like it.

Alright, so back to celebrities. I'm so sick of this, "Do as I say, not as I do." mentality. Don't tell me to save the f'in enviroment and be a green ass hippie and then hop into a private jet. One trip on a private jet probably uses more fuel than my Tahoe will in a lifetime. Yes, it's great to bring attention to important causes and issues, but guess what? You're all coming off like giant assholes. STFU, make movies, play football, pose in lingere...but please, stop preaching.