We the People...

Why should you elect me, Olivia C. Carter, your new senator? Simply put, I keep it real. I know what you’re thinking…I have no experience, and I’m a crazy Republican. Well, for the past two years I’ve been President of a pretty nice condo community. We have zero crime, clean streets, and moderately attractive residents. If you saw me in action at this year’s annual meeting, you know I can handle any issue, ranging from “Why did that water main explode?” to “I think the dumpster is a potential nuclear waste site.” As far as the Republican issue goes, I like to think of myself as a fiscal conservative and a social liberal. Here’s where I stand on several hot button issues.

Gay Marriage: Sure, go for it. A few years in and your co-husband will refuse to take out the trash and then tell you you’re fat. You’ll be wishing it was illegal. So, knock yourselves out and join the rest of us in marital bliss.

Abortion: I strongly support the right to choose. I am against late-term abortion, but I’d like to introduce something called “really late term abortion”. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. We all know that certain someone who is an absolute waste and probably needs to be put out of their own imbecilic misery. Some examples: Cris Angel, Ryan Seacrest, and Eli Manning.

Stem-Cell Research: I think stem cells will be the answer to solving a ton of medical issues and helping to cure really horrible diseases. Then after they do that you know they’ll find totally superficial ways to use them to make your boobs bigger or help you last longer in the sack.

Health Care: Should everyone be entitled to health care? Hmmm…good question. Children, definitely. Adults? Well, that’s another issue entirely. Even with “free” health care the same ass hats who show up at the emergency room with a “pain” and looking for drugs while you’re sitting there sick with a kidney infection a week after giving birth and trying to nurse your baby in the hallway while they get a room, are still going to show up at the ER instead of using a primary care doctor. I think health care should be offered to working people at an affordable price with discounts for staying healthy and not overdoing it on the McGriddles and Marlboros. There is an example of this in my own household where I pay the “Platinum Member” rate for our life insurance while my husband who has a cholesterol level rivaling Babe Ruth’s batting average is on the “Aluminum Foil Member” rate.

Some other things I’d like to accomplish…

-Making Jimmy Buffett’s birthday a national holiday

-Using stem cells to clone Mike Rowe

- Banning Smart Cars, the Toyota Prius, and Segways-I’m sorry, you’re not saving the environment, you just look like a giant toolbox

In conclusion, if you know me, you know I say what other people are afraid (or embarrassed) to say. This could totally help Massachusetts. And I have a super crush on Mitt Romney. That’s it! Vote Carter!